Nine Toes NAUGHTY!

by Nine Toes the Bard

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Nine Toes NAUGHTY! Seriously, NOT for the Littles!

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released March 28, 2017

Art/Jesse Guggino
Recorded, Mixed & Mastered with John Seda @ Rising Sun Music Recording Studios, Tampa, Florida risingsunstudios.com
Produced by G. LaMonte mamaginamusic.com mnemosyne7@hotmail.com

All songs written by G. LaMonte; 12 string acoustic guitar, vocals, & percussion/G. LaMonte

Upright Bass on “Miranda”/Jerry Ledsome

The Floggin’ Frog Chorus got downright naughty on “Long As His Leg” and “St. Joan’s Balls.” Betsy L. Jenkins, D.J. Palumbo aka Lady Darjuxena, Lyn Shanahan, the Grand Duchess Laura Jo VII, Tim Shanahan, Squire Frank, and Jesse Guggino.

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Track Name: Long As His Leg
Long As His Leg

Kenneth had a drinkin’ horn
As long as his leg, as long as his leg
Kenneth had a drinking horn
And he filled it up with rum

Kenneth drank the rumble down
Filled up his leg, filled up his leg
Kenneth drank the rumble down
Until it all was done

To that drinkin’ horn – let’s raise a cup
Though you and I – we can’t keep up
Let us drink the rumble up
To that horn of great reknown

Let’s hear it for that drinkin’ horn
As long as his leg, as long as his leg
Let’s hear it for that drinkin’ horn
That damn near touched the ground

Kenneth had a drinking horn
As long as his leg, as long as his leg
Kenneth had a drinking horn
That made the ladies grin

The ladies loved that drinkin’ horn
As long as his leg, as long as his leg
Martini night they filled it up
With vermouth and a lot of gin

To that drinkin’ horn – let’s raise a cup
Though you and I – we can’t keep up
Let us drink the rumble up
To that horn of great reknown

Let’s hear it for that drinkin’ horn
As long as his leg, as long as his leg
Let’s hear it for that drinkin’ horn
That damn near touched the ground

Kenneth had a drinkin’ horn
As long as his leg, as long as his leg
Kenneth had a drinkin’ horn
And he filled it up with rum

Kenneth drank the rumble down
Filled up his leg, filled up his leg
Kenneth drank the rumble down
Until it all was done

Kenneth got his stumble on
On wobbly leg, on wobbly leg
Kenneth got his stumble on
And still he made it home

Kenneth had a drinking horn
As long as his leg, as long as his leg
Kenneth had a drinking horn
And he filled it up with rum
Track Name: Miranda
Miranda

Miranda was a lady of the evening
With a gift of tellin’ fortunes on the side
Her talents they were ample - Ay, the men-folk they did sample
Her hips and Tarot cards, they never lied

But the rest of her was sweet, sweet fabrication
And she wove a bit more in it every day
Till she bilked a fancy lord out of more than he could afford
Miranda said – ‘Fore I lose my head, I’d best be on my way

Lie, lie, lie, lie de die, lie de day

Now any card’s the answer to the trouble that you’re in
So she asked the cards, which one’s the one she couldn’t live without
She tossed them in the air – kept the last to fall upright
And she threw the other 77 out

She tucked that card deep inside her corset
Laced it tight and packed what she had left
Now it ,ight have been some magic or the six days on the run
When she unlaced herself that Devil’s grin was inked upon her breast

Truth be told she ain’t playin’ with a full deck
Truth be told, it doesn’t matter, not one bit
She’s the best at tellin’ fortunes
Son, you’d best get out your gold
For Miranda and the Devil on her tit

Now you’ve got to love a woman keeps her cards close to her chest
And Miranda’s got the Devil’s own to guard
If you’re wantin’ some cavortin’ – then it be your good fortune
She’s got somethin’ else in mind when she says she’ll read your cards

Truth be told she ain’t playin’ with a full deck
Truth be told, it doesn’t matter, not one bit
She’s the best at tellin’ fortunes
Son, you’d best get out your gold
For Miranda and the Devil on her tit


Now, Miranda’s spent some time with ink and needle
And every Tarot card is tattooed on her flesh
From the Major to the Minor – nah, you won’t see nothin’ finer
Than when Miranda gets to shufflin’ her deck

Truth be told she ain’t playin’ with a full deck
Truth be told, it doesn’t matter, not one bit
She’s the best at tellin’ fortunes
Son, you’d best get out your gold
For Miranda and the Devil on her tit
Track Name: St. Joan's Balls
St. Joan’s Balls


Are you in need of miracles? Are you in need of grace?
I’m the Relic trader, I’ve got a bit of every Saint.
I’ve got your Holy Relics, guaranteed the “faux” real thing
Blood and bone and eyelash, fallen Angel hair and wing

To fix your place in Heaven, to chase all ills away
For your eternal salvation, coin’s a tiny price to pay
But if you’ve been extra naughty, and deeper is your need
I’ve got bits the everyday man is not prepared to see

So, bring your purse, we’ll make that deal; step this way with me
Promise you’ll never speak of what you’re about to see

St. Joan of Arc was woman! Yes, she was one righteous dude
And if you are in need of testicular fortitude
If you need to grow a pair, if you’re needin’ to stand tall
These were pulled straight from the fire! I’ve got St. Joan’s Balls

St. Joan’s Balls
St. Joan’s Balls
Three schillings each or five for the pair
I’ve got St. Joan’s Balls

Here’s a lovely relic from the Mother of our Lord
The sweetest Virgin Mary, her hair is woven in this cord
‘Tis not the hair upon her head, so it comes at greater cost
Some silver for her curly bits and you’ll grow back what you lost

Mother Mary’s Curls
Mother Mary’s Curls
Grow back what you once gave away
With Mother Mary’s Curls

Baby Jesus, He was Jewish, and even without sin
That first sacrifice at eight days old was that little band of skin
If you’re feelin’ poorly, just grip this relic tight
Give it a hearty shake, and like our Saviour, you shall rise

The Foreskin of our Lord
The Foreskin of our Lord
All that’s dead shall rise again
The Foreskin of our Lord