Nine Toes the Bard

by Nine Toes the Bard

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TimTTT I'm going threw a divorce so Throne & Forget touch some nerves. If art is meant to invoke emotion than mission accomplished. Given the current political climate "Battle for the moon" also hits to close to home. Favorite track: Thorn.
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about

Most great tales begin with, “Once upon a time …” and end with “happily ever after.” Ay, but this is a true tale, and a messy one. This story begins with a cursed Bard and a deal with a Dragon. These songs reveal my heart and my journey. Mirth, grief, mischief, tears and laughter are woven into each bit of music. So, pour a cup of tea … or ale … or something stronger. Listen now, and let me sing to you of Nine Toes the Bard.

credits

released March 28, 2017

Cover Art/Graphics by Jesse Guggino
Recorded, Mixed and Mastered at Rising Sun Music Recording Studios, Tampa, Florida risingsunstudios.com
Produced by G. LaMonte mamaginamusic.com mnemosyne7@hotmail.com

All songs written by G. LaMonte; 12 string acoustic guitar, vocals, and percussion/G. LaMonte

Cello on “Forget” and “Somebody Slew the Draegone”/Betsy Tinney betsytinney.com

Upright Bass on “Nine Toes the Bard” and “Paladin Schmaladin”/Jerry Ledsome

Drums, bass and lead guitar on “Done With That” and “Damsel”/John Seda risingsunstudios.com

The Floggin’ Frog Chorus graced “Nine Toes the Bard” and “Paladin Schmaladin,” and the ladies of the chorus turned up the heat on “Damsel.” The Floggin’ Frog Chorus: Betsy L. Jenkins, D.J. Palumbo aka Lady Darjuxena, Lyn Shanahan, the Grand Duchess Laura Jo VII, Tim Shanahan, Squire Frank, and Jesse Guggino.

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Track Name: Nine Toes the Bard
Nine Toes the Bard

There once was a Bard with one hell of a curse
Her mem’ry was sharp – she’d recite every verse
Her strings, they tuned true, and her drum did the same
But no one remembered her name
Oh, no one remembered her name

She’d hold their attention all night in a bar
Her voice held them captive – her tales took them far
But they’d ne’er call her back, and that was a shame
‘Cause no one remembered her name
Oh, no one remembered her name

They’d all sing …
There goes the Bard - There goes the Bard
Her stories were clever - her fingers were deft
We drank all the ale ‘til there was none left
She was lovely and managed our EVERY request
We’d love to have her back – it’s a shame
We can’t remember her name
Oh, we can’t remember her name

The Bard made a livin’ – she coulda done worse
But she coulda done better, if not for that curse
The ticket to increase her fortune and fame
Folks must remember her name
They must remember her name

She traveled due North – she traveled down South
She searched for some magic to rub that spell out
But e’er she traveled – the story’s the same
No one remembered her name
Oh, no one remembered her name

They’d all sing …
There goes the Bard – There goes the Bard
If the local boys tossed her about in their beds
They remembered their toes curled – how they lost their heads
Her cello shaped hips – oh, their fantasies fed
They remembered her bosom and her red, curly mane
But they couldn’t remember her name
They couldn’t remember her name

‘Twas a dragon was said that might ruin her curse
If that lecherous lizard didn’t ruin her first
The Bard sought him out and said, “Baby, I’m game!”
If folks will remember my name
Ay, if they’ll remember my name


“I’ll fix your dilemma,” the Dragon spoke true
“You’ll sleep with me this night, and I’ll take my due”
The Bard steeled herself and stepped into that flame
All for the want of a memorable name

And the Dragon sssssaid …
“Come here me Bard – Come here me Bard
I’ll not singe your eyebrows, nor nip at your nose
My particular fetish – Oooooh, LOOK AT THOSE TOES!
I think that I’d like a percentage of those!
Oh, yesss, they’ll remember your name
Oh, yesss, they’ll remember your name”

That Dragon he leered with those lizardly eyes
Said, “Don’t worry, I’ve flame to CAUTERIZE”
He lunged for her feet without any foreplay
And the Bard fainted dead away
Oh, the Bard fainted dead away

She woke in the mornin’ – the Dragon was gone
Feelin’ akilter – ay, something was wrong
She didn’t feel used and she didn’t feel cheap
But somethin’ was missin’ – she lifted the sheets
“It’s a good thing I don’t play guitar with my feet!”
But, I think they’ll remember my name
Oh, yes, they’ll remember my name

Now everyone sings …
Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard!
Her stories are witty – her fingers are swift
Her rhythm is spot on – she’s got quite the gift
She plays with her boots off and walks with a limp
She’s Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard!
Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard!

Now there’s a Dragon who treasures that one toe … on ice
And a Bard who was willin’ to sacrifice
A piece of her sole – s o l e – for the sake of her art
And we all remember her name, oh
We all remember her name
She’s Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard!
Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard!
Track Name: Somebody Slew the Draegone
Somebody Slew the Draegone

Welcome to the world, my child – Barren as it is
I hope that things get better – But, we’ve made a muck of it
We have no forest, have no song – And lots of things that bite
If I tell you how it all went wrong – Maybe you can make it right

A Draegone once lived in a cave – Beneath that hill right there
All smoke and scale and claw was he – That Draegone in his lair
The Draegone had an appetite – Oh, everybody knew
He’d steal away with a sweet, young maid – Or a goat each year or two

But that Draegone most ate Orcses
Every chance he got
‘Til somebody slew the Draegone
And now we’re overrun with Orcses
‘Cause a Draegone we have not

The Orcses saw that Draegone – No longer sought them out
So they multiplied like Rabbitses – With none to flush them out
The Orcses’ blood was spicy hot – The Moskeets tapped their veins
Sent their scent across the land – ‘Til ALL the Moskeets came

The Moskeets loved that Orcses’ blood – The Moskeets chewed and tore
Feasting off that vile stuff – ‘Till Moskeet babies born
The Moskeets left their progeny – On every limb of purple pine
And the grubbly grubs that hatched – Ate every needle, leaf and vine

‘Twas a Draegon most ate Orcses
Every chance he got
But somebody slew the Draegone
Now we’re overdone with Moskeets
And we’re overrun with Orcses
‘Cause a Draegone we have not

Each purple pine it fell to rot – As the grubblies, they did grub
And the warbling wings and all their nests – Exposed in the hot, hot Sun
The warbling wings, they flew away – And with them went their song
And left us, oh, so barren – To live with what went wrong

‘Twas a Draegone most ate Orcses
Every chance he got
But somebody slew the Draegone (3x)

Now we’ve silent skies and too hot days
No purple pine to fill our gaze
The grubbly grubs, they eat our fields
And we grub ourselves for every meal
And we’re overdone with Moskeets
And we’re overrun with Orcses
‘Twas the Draegone most ate Orcses
Every chance he got

But somebody slew the Draegone
And we’re overrun with Orcses
‘Cause a Draegone we have not!
Track Name: Done With That
Done With That

That’s no way to begin a life/Abandoned in the woods
I would leave you to die/I would leave you to the wolves
World so full of innocents wantin’ happily ever after
This ain’t no fairy tale, and it all ends in disaster

My heart is stone/Skin stretched on bone
Nothing owed, baby/Nothing owned

And I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you
I am done with that

The babe in my belly, fifty summertimes ago
They took her ‘fore she drew a single breath
They broke my lover, they broke my soul
This rage inside is all that I have left

Damn your eyes/I said I’m done
And damn your skin that tastes like apples on my tongue

I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you
I am done with that

Don’t look at me with expectations
Don’t think those pretty eyes will sway this icy heart
Don’t think that I will grow to love you
I will not / I will not

Damn your eyes/I said I’m done
And damn your skin that tastes like apples on my tongue

I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you
I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you
I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you

I am done with that!
Track Name: Forget
Forget

You never said you would stay forever
And I never wanted to give you back to the world
My grief was much greater than my broken heart, and so
This curse

You never meant to hurt me
And I never meant to speak the word
That fell from my bitter tongue, but now it is done
This curse

Forget – I cannot remember
Forget – The shape of your eyes, the taste of your skin
Forget – I and the whole world with me
And now, your name is lost on the wind

I’m losing you in each moment
Sitting here waiting for your return
Yet if you ever come back, I fear I shall not know you
Oh, this curse

Forget – Hard to recall your laughter
Forget – So easy to feel this pain, weep these tears
Forget – I and the whole world with me
Your love is lost to my fear

When did this tiny room get too big for me?
When did you become my universe?
Every – memory – slips – and I regret
This curse
Track Name: Damsel
Damsel

The damsel needed savin’ - she was in it to her knees
Fingers worked down to the bone keepin’ other people clean.
When she was just a young lass, her mother told her tales
Of brave and handsome knights who showed up without fail
To rescue fair young maidens who needed to be saved,
If only she were good enough and very well behaved.
But round went every season; that knight never showed himself.
So she finally picked her skirts up and saved her own damned self

Ay, lifted skirts and lifted chin, and asked herself where to begin.
She realized her sweetest manner never got her help.
If the damsel needed savin’ she would save her own damsel(f)!

They said if she was sweet enough her prince would come along,
So she honeyed every thought and word and toiled dusk to dawn.
She curtseyed, scraped and bowed each night and day at work.
When her prince did finally come along, ‘twas nothin’ but a jerk.

So, lifted skirts and wicked grin, she left that prince a’hungerin’.
She realized her sweetest dish would never be no help.
If the damsel wanted savin’ she would save her own damsel(f)!

Her priest said you must suffer and store up your rewards
For eternity in heaven with our most loving Lord.
So she prayed and suffered greatly and never once transgressed,
‘Til that priest turned out to be another lookin’ up her dress.

Ay, lifted skirts and hefted sword, she cut the priest and cursed the Lord.
She realized her purest soul would never be no help.
If the damsel wanted savin’ she would save her own damsel(f)!

So, here’s to doin’ must-be-dones and lookin’ out for number one;
Keepin’ wits and blades a-sharp … Not waitin’ on no help …
If the damsel wanted savin’ she would save her own damsel(f)!
Track Name: Pomona's Song
Pomona’s Song


Spring is my favorite season, and I shall tell you why
As I reach and I grasp and I sing and I grow toward that new Sun in the sky
I would love like the apple tree; Her faith lies in that distant Sun
That melts the snow and blossoms grow; She earns her leaves back one by one … by one

Oh, Spring is my favorite season; Trees and sky and river wide
The circle’s complete, and the Sun feeds us all
We blossom, we ripen, we’re chosen, we fall
Spring is my favorite season

Summer’s my favorite season, and I shall tell you why
The promise of all we shall ever need, as the days grow long and light
I would love like the apple tree; Each gift firm and round
Shake off the cold, bask in gold; She drinks in the Sun, close as a Lover now

Oh, Summer’s my favorite season; Trees and sky and river wide
The circle’s complete, and the Sun feeds us all
We blossom, we ripen, we’re chosen, we fall
Summer’s my favorite season

Autumn’s my favorite season, and I shall tell you why
Gold traces, erases everything green, till the whole world looks afire
I would love like the apple tree; The fullness, the bounty, the feast
We’re all eating the Sun with each bite on our tongue; She lightens … with each harvest done

Oh, Autumn’s my favorite season; Trees and sky and river slows
The circle’s complete, and the Sun feeds us all
We blossom, we ripen, we’re chosen, we fall
Autumn’s my favorite season

Winter’s my favorite season, and I shall tell you why
Taste of fresh snow, brilliantly white, where everything’s possible, anything might … happen
I would love like the apple tree; This cold dark avalanche of sleep
Snow on a barren silhouette; Her arms that reach and never forget

Oh, Winter’s my favorite season; Trees and sky and river’s ice
The circle’s complete, and the Sun feeds us all
We blossom, we ripen, we’re chosen, we fall

And Spring is my favorite season
Track Name: My Love's Eyes
My Love’s Eyes

My love’s eyes – black where they should not be
My love has come home to me
And I know I should not open that door

My love’s skin – pale as a winter sky
My love has come home to me
And I should not open that door

Cutwife said it was a fever run wild
She could not save my love – she could not save the child
Now my love has come home to me
And I know I should not open that door

My love’s voice – like rustling leaves
My love has come home to me
And I know I should not open that door

Cutwife says this Death will come for us all
May your soul find peace before your body does fall
And if your love comes home to you
I pray you do not open that door

My love’s kiss – on my lips like snow
My love has come home to me
And yes, I did open that door
Track Name: Battle For the Moon
Battle For the Moon

The Red King said, “The Moon is mine!” The Blue King said, “ ‘Tis not!”
They gathered troops and armour; the finest could be bought
And as they camped, the days ahead, the Bard, she listened well
To the heart of every man so she could truly tell the tale

Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for
Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war?

The Bard had seen such bloodshed in her fine, young life
She saw no glory in this war, and wanted none to die
She could not fight for peace; you know, that battle’s never won
So she asked her god and goddess what else could be done

Up she drew the Mother; and down she drew the Stars
And in she drew her Breath to still her tremblin’ heart
Her gods had gifted her with song; she knew what she must do
As she slept upon the field that night beneath the bright, full moon

Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for
Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war?

1,001 men to her left – the same upon her right
She sang that Sun up in the sky, she sang with all her might
She sang Love lost and Love that won, and all the while she played
Not a man did cross her – Not a man lifted his blade

And when the Sun had settled and she lay down for the night
She knew there were two angry kings still itchin’ for a fight
The second morning like the first, she did what she could do
And though her throat was ragged, her voice, it rang out true

Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for
Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war?

On she sang through waning’ moon and as the nights grew dark
Her voice each day was all she had to keep those kings apart
She never saw the men who wept and left the front for home
She only saw those standin’ as the moon began to grow

Eight and twenty days she sang – the Bard could do no more
And with heavy heart and gods’ release – she left them to their war
She watched each slay the other – ‘til no one stood, not even kings
Her tears ran freely like their blood, “I’ve changed not one damned thing.”

One man stood beside her, once warrior, now free
“I’ll not lift my blade again, lass. You’ve changed the world for me.”

Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for
Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war?
Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for
Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war?
Track Name: Paladin Schmaladin
Paladin Schmaladin

Call me Ser, I wear the white
I’m the Champion of all that’s right
Noble heart and steady sight
I am a Paladin

The monks, they raised me – had no mother
Bible in one hand, a blade in the other
Live like a Saint – the Church is my lover
I am a Paladin

But, oh, so many nights in prayer in chapel beggin’ please
There must be a better reason to get splinters in my knees
Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate!

I wanna swash my buckle and explore my darker side
And if the Lady’s willin’, gonna rip that bodice wide
Wanna trade my blade for a cutlass and get my swarthy on
Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate!

All this livin’ sinless … so incredibly dull
I want a tankard of the sweetest ale and drink my belly full
Want to trade my golden crucifix for crossbones and a skull
Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate!

I can hear the brothers say, “Be happy with your lot.”
Oh, but how I want to be everything I’m not
Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate!

Pillage, loot and plunder – baby, I’m all in
So ready to accept the consequences of my sin
Embrace my innarrgh Pirate, and slay the Paladin!
Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate!

So black the tooth and patch the eye
I wanna be that wicked guy
I’m ready for the seven seas
And a right-fine wench to sail with me
C-H-A-S-T-E – that not the “chased” I want to be
Let my heart grow black as coal
Sex and drugs and rock & roll
Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate!