Nine Toes the Bard

by Nine Toes the Bard

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1.
Nine Toes the Bard There once was a Bard with one hell of a curse Her mem’ry was sharp – she’d recite every verse Her strings, they tuned true, and her drum did the same But no one remembered her name Oh, no one remembered her name She’d hold their attention all night in a bar Her voice held them captive – her tales took them far But they’d ne’er call her back, and that was a shame ‘Cause no one remembered her name Oh, no one remembered her name They’d all sing … There goes the Bard - There goes the Bard Her stories were clever - her fingers were deft We drank all the ale ‘til there was none left She was lovely and managed our EVERY request We’d love to have her back – it’s a shame We can’t remember her name Oh, we can’t remember her name The Bard made a livin’ – she coulda done worse But she coulda done better, if not for that curse The ticket to increase her fortune and fame Folks must remember her name They must remember her name She traveled due North – she traveled down South She searched for some magic to rub that spell out But e’er she traveled – the story’s the same No one remembered her name Oh, no one remembered her name They’d all sing … There goes the Bard – There goes the Bard If the local boys tossed her about in their beds They remembered their toes curled – how they lost their heads Her cello shaped hips – oh, their fantasies fed They remembered her bosom and her red, curly mane But they couldn’t remember her name They couldn’t remember her name ‘Twas a dragon was said that might ruin her curse If that lecherous lizard didn’t ruin her first The Bard sought him out and said, “Baby, I’m game!” If folks will remember my name Ay, if they’ll remember my name “I’ll fix your dilemma,” the Dragon spoke true “You’ll sleep with me this night, and I’ll take my due” The Bard steeled herself and stepped into that flame All for the want of a memorable name And the Dragon sssssaid … “Come here me Bard – Come here me Bard I’ll not singe your eyebrows, nor nip at your nose My particular fetish – Oooooh, LOOK AT THOSE TOES! I think that I’d like a percentage of those! Oh, yesss, they’ll remember your name Oh, yesss, they’ll remember your name” That Dragon he leered with those lizardly eyes Said, “Don’t worry, I’ve flame to CAUTERIZE” He lunged for her feet without any foreplay And the Bard fainted dead away Oh, the Bard fainted dead away She woke in the mornin’ – the Dragon was gone Feelin’ akilter – ay, something was wrong She didn’t feel used and she didn’t feel cheap But somethin’ was missin’ – she lifted the sheets “It’s a good thing I don’t play guitar with my feet!” But, I think they’ll remember my name Oh, yes, they’ll remember my name Now everyone sings … Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard! Her stories are witty – her fingers are swift Her rhythm is spot on – she’s got quite the gift She plays with her boots off and walks with a limp She’s Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard! Now there’s a Dragon who treasures that one toe … on ice And a Bard who was willin’ to sacrifice A piece of her sole – s o l e – for the sake of her art And we all remember her name, oh We all remember her name She’s Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard! Nine Toes the Bard!
2.
Somebody Slew the Draegone Welcome to the world, my child – Barren as it is I hope that things get better – But, we’ve made a muck of it We have no forest, have no song – And lots of things that bite If I tell you how it all went wrong – Maybe you can make it right A Draegone once lived in a cave – Beneath that hill right there All smoke and scale and claw was he – That Draegone in his lair The Draegone had an appetite – Oh, everybody knew He’d steal away with a sweet, young maid – Or a goat each year or two But that Draegone most ate Orcses Every chance he got ‘Til somebody slew the Draegone And now we’re overrun with Orcses ‘Cause a Draegone we have not The Orcses saw that Draegone – No longer sought them out So they multiplied like Rabbitses – With none to flush them out The Orcses’ blood was spicy hot – The Moskeets tapped their veins Sent their scent across the land – ‘Til ALL the Moskeets came The Moskeets loved that Orcses’ blood – The Moskeets chewed and tore Feasting off that vile stuff – ‘Till Moskeet babies born The Moskeets left their progeny – On every limb of purple pine And the grubbly grubs that hatched – Ate every needle, leaf and vine ‘Twas a Draegon most ate Orcses Every chance he got But somebody slew the Draegone Now we’re overdone with Moskeets And we’re overrun with Orcses ‘Cause a Draegone we have not Each purple pine it fell to rot – As the grubblies, they did grub And the warbling wings and all their nests – Exposed in the hot, hot Sun The warbling wings, they flew away – And with them went their song And left us, oh, so barren – To live with what went wrong ‘Twas a Draegone most ate Orcses Every chance he got But somebody slew the Draegone (3x) Now we’ve silent skies and too hot days No purple pine to fill our gaze The grubbly grubs, they eat our fields And we grub ourselves for every meal And we’re overdone with Moskeets And we’re overrun with Orcses ‘Twas the Draegone most ate Orcses Every chance he got But somebody slew the Draegone And we’re overrun with Orcses ‘Cause a Draegone we have not!
3.
Thorn 08:20
4.
Done With That That’s no way to begin a life/Abandoned in the woods I would leave you to die/I would leave you to the wolves World so full of innocents wantin’ happily ever after This ain’t no fairy tale, and it all ends in disaster My heart is stone/Skin stretched on bone Nothing owed, baby/Nothing owned And I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you I am done with that The babe in my belly, fifty summertimes ago They took her ‘fore she drew a single breath They broke my lover, they broke my soul This rage inside is all that I have left Damn your eyes/I said I’m done And damn your skin that tastes like apples on my tongue I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you I am done with that Don’t look at me with expectations Don’t think those pretty eyes will sway this icy heart Don’t think that I will grow to love you I will not / I will not Damn your eyes/I said I’m done And damn your skin that tastes like apples on my tongue I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you I will not love you/I will not love you/I will not love you I am done with that!
5.
Forget 08:47
Forget You never said you would stay forever And I never wanted to give you back to the world My grief was much greater than my broken heart, and so This curse You never meant to hurt me And I never meant to speak the word That fell from my bitter tongue, but now it is done This curse Forget – I cannot remember Forget – The shape of your eyes, the taste of your skin Forget – I and the whole world with me And now, your name is lost on the wind I’m losing you in each moment Sitting here waiting for your return Yet if you ever come back, I fear I shall not know you Oh, this curse Forget – Hard to recall your laughter Forget – So easy to feel this pain, weep these tears Forget – I and the whole world with me Your love is lost to my fear When did this tiny room get too big for me? When did you become my universe? Every – memory – slips – and I regret This curse
6.
Damsel 05:04
Damsel The damsel needed savin’ - she was in it to her knees Fingers worked down to the bone keepin’ other people clean. When she was just a young lass, her mother told her tales Of brave and handsome knights who showed up without fail To rescue fair young maidens who needed to be saved, If only she were good enough and very well behaved. But round went every season; that knight never showed himself. So she finally picked her skirts up and saved her own damned self Ay, lifted skirts and lifted chin, and asked herself where to begin. She realized her sweetest manner never got her help. If the damsel needed savin’ she would save her own damsel(f)! They said if she was sweet enough her prince would come along, So she honeyed every thought and word and toiled dusk to dawn. She curtseyed, scraped and bowed each night and day at work. When her prince did finally come along, ‘twas nothin’ but a jerk. So, lifted skirts and wicked grin, she left that prince a’hungerin’. She realized her sweetest dish would never be no help. If the damsel wanted savin’ she would save her own damsel(f)! Her priest said you must suffer and store up your rewards For eternity in heaven with our most loving Lord. So she prayed and suffered greatly and never once transgressed, ‘Til that priest turned out to be another lookin’ up her dress. Ay, lifted skirts and hefted sword, she cut the priest and cursed the Lord. She realized her purest soul would never be no help. If the damsel wanted savin’ she would save her own damsel(f)! So, here’s to doin’ must-be-dones and lookin’ out for number one; Keepin’ wits and blades a-sharp … Not waitin’ on no help … If the damsel wanted savin’ she would save her own damsel(f)!
7.
Pomona’s Song Spring is my favorite season, and I shall tell you why As I reach and I grasp and I sing and I grow toward that new Sun in the sky I would love like the apple tree; Her faith lies in that distant Sun That melts the snow and blossoms grow; She earns her leaves back one by one … by one Oh, Spring is my favorite season; Trees and sky and river wide The circle’s complete, and the Sun feeds us all We blossom, we ripen, we’re chosen, we fall Spring is my favorite season Summer’s my favorite season, and I shall tell you why The promise of all we shall ever need, as the days grow long and light I would love like the apple tree; Each gift firm and round Shake off the cold, bask in gold; She drinks in the Sun, close as a Lover now Oh, Summer’s my favorite season; Trees and sky and river wide The circle’s complete, and the Sun feeds us all We blossom, we ripen, we’re chosen, we fall Summer’s my favorite season Autumn’s my favorite season, and I shall tell you why Gold traces, erases everything green, till the whole world looks afire I would love like the apple tree; The fullness, the bounty, the feast We’re all eating the Sun with each bite on our tongue; She lightens … with each harvest done Oh, Autumn’s my favorite season; Trees and sky and river slows The circle’s complete, and the Sun feeds us all We blossom, we ripen, we’re chosen, we fall Autumn’s my favorite season Winter’s my favorite season, and I shall tell you why Taste of fresh snow, brilliantly white, where everything’s possible, anything might … happen I would love like the apple tree; This cold dark avalanche of sleep Snow on a barren silhouette; Her arms that reach and never forget Oh, Winter’s my favorite season; Trees and sky and river’s ice The circle’s complete, and the Sun feeds us all We blossom, we ripen, we’re chosen, we fall And Spring is my favorite season
8.
My Love’s Eyes My love’s eyes – black where they should not be My love has come home to me And I know I should not open that door My love’s skin – pale as a winter sky My love has come home to me And I should not open that door Cutwife said it was a fever run wild She could not save my love – she could not save the child Now my love has come home to me And I know I should not open that door My love’s voice – like rustling leaves My love has come home to me And I know I should not open that door Cutwife says this Death will come for us all May your soul find peace before your body does fall And if your love comes home to you I pray you do not open that door My love’s kiss – on my lips like snow My love has come home to me And yes, I did open that door
9.
Battle For the Moon The Red King said, “The Moon is mine!” The Blue King said, “ ‘Tis not!” They gathered troops and armour; the finest could be bought And as they camped, the days ahead, the Bard, she listened well To the heart of every man so she could truly tell the tale Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war? The Bard had seen such bloodshed in her fine, young life She saw no glory in this war, and wanted none to die She could not fight for peace; you know, that battle’s never won So she asked her god and goddess what else could be done Up she drew the Mother; and down she drew the Stars And in she drew her Breath to still her tremblin’ heart Her gods had gifted her with song; she knew what she must do As she slept upon the field that night beneath the bright, full moon Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war? 1,001 men to her left – the same upon her right She sang that Sun up in the sky, she sang with all her might She sang Love lost and Love that won, and all the while she played Not a man did cross her – Not a man lifted his blade And when the Sun had settled and she lay down for the night She knew there were two angry kings still itchin’ for a fight The second morning like the first, she did what she could do And though her throat was ragged, her voice, it rang out true Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war? On she sang through waning’ moon and as the nights grew dark Her voice each day was all she had to keep those kings apart She never saw the men who wept and left the front for home She only saw those standin’ as the moon began to grow Eight and twenty days she sang – the Bard could do no more And with heavy heart and gods’ release – she left them to their war She watched each slay the other – ‘til no one stood, not even kings Her tears ran freely like their blood, “I’ve changed not one damned thing.” One man stood beside her, once warrior, now free “I’ll not lift my blade again, lass. You’ve changed the world for me.” Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war? Why do we teach our sons and daughters what their hearts are for Then battle for the moon, and march them off to war?
10.
Paladin Schmaladin Call me Ser, I wear the white I’m the Champion of all that’s right Noble heart and steady sight I am a Paladin The monks, they raised me – had no mother Bible in one hand, a blade in the other Live like a Saint – the Church is my lover I am a Paladin But, oh, so many nights in prayer in chapel beggin’ please There must be a better reason to get splinters in my knees Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate! I wanna swash my buckle and explore my darker side And if the Lady’s willin’, gonna rip that bodice wide Wanna trade my blade for a cutlass and get my swarthy on Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate! All this livin’ sinless … so incredibly dull I want a tankard of the sweetest ale and drink my belly full Want to trade my golden crucifix for crossbones and a skull Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate! I can hear the brothers say, “Be happy with your lot.” Oh, but how I want to be everything I’m not Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate! Pillage, loot and plunder – baby, I’m all in So ready to accept the consequences of my sin Embrace my innarrgh Pirate, and slay the Paladin! Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate! So black the tooth and patch the eye I wanna be that wicked guy I’m ready for the seven seas And a right-fine wench to sail with me C-H-A-S-T-E – that not the “chased” I want to be Let my heart grow black as coal Sex and drugs and rock & roll Paladin schmaladin – I want to be … a Pirate!

about

Most great tales begin with, “Once upon a time …” and end with “happily ever after.” Ay, but this is a true tale, and a messy one. This story begins with a cursed Bard and a deal with a Dragon. These songs reveal my heart and my journey. Mirth, grief, mischief, tears and laughter are woven into each bit of music. So, pour a cup of tea … or ale … or something stronger. Listen now, and let me sing to you of Nine Toes the Bard.

credits

released March 28, 2017

Cover Art/Graphics by Jesse Guggino
Recorded, Mixed and Mastered at Rising Sun Music Recording Studios, Tampa, Florida risingsunstudios.com
Produced by G. LaMonte mamaginamusic.com mnemosyne7@hotmail.com

All songs written by G. LaMonte; 12 string acoustic guitar, vocals, and percussion/G. LaMonte

Cello on “Forget” and “Somebody Slew the Draegone”/Betsy Tinney betsytinney.com

Upright Bass on “Nine Toes the Bard” and “Paladin Schmaladin”/Jerry Ledsome

Drums, bass and lead guitar on “Done With That” and “Damsel”/John Seda risingsunstudios.com

The Floggin’ Frog Chorus graced “Nine Toes the Bard” and “Paladin Schmaladin,” and the ladies of the chorus turned up the heat on “Damsel.” The Floggin’ Frog Chorus: Betsy L. Jenkins, D.J. Palumbo aka Lady Darjuxena, Lyn Shanahan, the Grand Duchess Laura Jo VII, Tim Shanahan, Squire Frank, and Jesse Guggino.

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Mama Gina Tampa, Florida

Award winning singer/songwriter & wanderlust ... fearless story-telling ... bluesy vocals ... humor ... straight-ahead, rhythmic, 12 string acoustic guitar ... djembe ... frame drums ... all weft and warp of the soul of this bard

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